iSecret
by roseredsdesire
Summary: After three years, of holding secrets and living lies will they tare apart Carly and Sam. Life's a complicated mess when you're in love with your best friend. Can Carly's blog help her fallow her heart, or is a secret to destructive to risk? *ON HOLD*
1. Chapter 1: There Will be Tears

**Hi y'all I am so delighted to finally post this story. I've been holding it for two months, with no one to correct it. The idea 1st came to me after seeing iOMG, and it somewhat reminiscent of Let Your Life be Your Dream. If you're just finding my stories for the 1st time, normally I write for the Liley shipper. This is a totally new direction, since its my first and hopefully not my last CAM. Surprisingly when I began writing for I wasn't interested in iCarly. Secretly I'd seen it at the end of last summer and liked it. Though if I admitted I did I'd have do deal with betraying Hannah Montana lol. So I kept it to myself it wasn't until this past winter that I really got into it...to all my lovely fans, I hope you enjoy this iCarly fan fic, as much as I am enjoying writing it. Of course thank you to Helen, Missa who inspired this story and to everyone who is going to read and review...I don't own iCarly because hell if I did there would only be one shipper CAM, after all Mama loves...her cupcake mwhhha**

**iSecret**

**Chapter 1: There will be Tears **

Carly didn't wipe her tears away. Instead she let them fall despairing as she'd closed her eyes; leaving water drops on her PearBook Pro. How had she gotten here, _how had everything turned out so wrong?_ She thought wordlessly.

Outside the nightlife of Seattle went on, inside everything felt frozen and uncomfortable. Just thinking of what she seen again trapped her in confusion and hurt.

"I thought she wanted me?" she whispered as her mind chided her. _Why do you care now Carly you didn't care for her before. Why now? _

Though she knew the answer when she felt the familiar flutter in her stomach, though she'd tried to forget and push it way.

She'd pretend, she'd denied this she'd done everything short of facing it. Touching her finger to the track pad she brought up iMusic. Scrolling through her attention elsewhere, she put the music on shuffle as just as suddenly Taylor Swift's "The Way I love you" came up. Carly felt her cheeks burn, as the secret memory swept back.

"_You've never kissed anyone?" _

She heard her own words echoing back to her long since forgotten.

"I didn't know" she whimpered "how didn't I notice?"

She felt her heart breaking now she'd lost it all, lost everything in one kiss. One simple kiss.

Biting her lip, she tasted her blood now remembering the events painfully. The lock in that night with everyone the common tradition for finishing their final projects. She'd cleverly chosen to study with Gibby the effects of different sensory stimuli on her brother, the test subject. It had been an amusing evening at first even with Sam's even stranger behavior.

Certainty though she'd never imagined this kind of pain. Or how her best friend would break her heart.

_This couldn't be true? _Pushing her dark hair away from her eyes she tried to shake the thoughts away. Now through with them bubbling up her heart was racing. _No I can't it couldn't be. _

Opening her eyes, bleary from the falling tears. She minimized the iMusic, and brought up a blank page. She sighed, and typed...the words she'd been afraid to say for two years.

_I think I am in love with Sam. _

* * *

><p>Freddie couldn't believe what happened. He thought probably he'd imagined it. Though he could still taste the cherry lipgloss on his lips. So probably it did happen. Though looking at her she seemed so confused. He wanted to kiss her again, he gulped.<p>

How could he be feeling this for someone who wasn't Carly? For the girl who hit him, pranked him, made his life hell. Though in the half light, with the wind blowing her blonde curls. She'd until now never seemed so spellbinding or just so captivating.

He couldn't deny he was falling for the most dangerous girl in school Samantha a.k.a Sam Puckett his frenemy. The girl he'd always secretly admired. The girl who an hour ago had kissed him!

Her big azure eyes, thoughtful and beyond his reach. Freddie reached out tentatively to touch her hand. She didn't swat him, and he took this for a good sign. As Sam turned and smiled could it have been sadly? Then the moment passed and her bitterness turned into a genuine smile.

All words failed him, the evenings crazy even bizarre events leaving him dizzy with happiness.

"Who knew Spencer could start a fire inside a box" he said attempting to get their conversation started.

Sam sighed and rolled her eyes. _Freddie really isn't that bad..._She thought..._but he isn't...stop it stop it Puckett...stop it...you're only hurting yourself._

"Sam?"

"Yeah what Freddward..." Sam heard herself say mockingly then stopped and frowned... "yes Freddy?" she tried again.

He smiled at her attempt to be nice making her restless and nervous. _He wants me to kiss him again. This doesn't feel..._

Freddie broke Sam's train of thought when he took her hand. She wasn't sure she liked or wanted it but knew she had moved on anyway.

As they went back into the school, Freddy took a deep breath and was just about to ask Sam if she wanted to go somewhere to be alone. Their project was nearly done anyway and he thought they could spare half an hour. He was longing to hold her again.

"Freddy Sam.." a puffing and huffing Gibby caught up with them. _Damn Gibby _thought Freddy...

"Have you seen Carly...?" he asked panicked.

"No why?" Freddy questioned.

Sam felt fear prick her stomach, _yes where was the girl she loved? _Out loud she asked "she wasn't with you when the fire started."

Cursing herself for not rushing to find her as she'd been guilty trying to avoid telling her she'd developed crush like feelings for Freddy. In an another attempt to forget her much grander love for Carly.

Gibby hesitated "I sent her to look for Freddie, I was afraid the box was going to malfunction and of course it did..."

Sam felt a hot blush wash across her face as she grabbed for her phone. She had to try and explain she knew now Carly must've seen the 'kiss' and ran.

* * *

><p>Rubbing her eyes Carly noticed her phone was vibrating again. She'd must have fallen asleep again draped over her laptop. The last thing she remembered was an embarrassed Spencer poking his head in. She noticed that he'd left her tea, and wisely not mentioning her tear streaked face.<p>

It wasn't surprising that she'd missed three calls and five texts from Sam. She'd only sent one text earlier and it hadn't been to her best friend. She'd simply texted Gibby saying not to worry that she'd gotten sick and that Spencer had driven her home and please tell the Principal.

She'd texted him after she'd walked off after the fire Spencer started.

Again her phone vibrated as she received another text this time from Freddie.

"_Carls; Sam and I are really worried plz call or text us."_

"So is there an us then"Carly heard her voice shake. Fresh tears rushing down her face.

All she wanted to do was crawl into Sam's arms and cry to her best friend. Cry that her heart was breaking but she couldn't then Sam's happiness would be compromised. She'd obviously moved on with Freddie.

Looking back at the words she'd written hours ago

_I think I am in love with Sam. _

She backspaced them and wrote _I am in love with Sam, _and as she read them back she remembered how it had happened.

With one little kiss.

Sighing heavily again she brought up her online blog. The one she'd been reading before she'd fallen asleep. She'd started this blog after the 'kiss' and the events that followed. She'd never told anyone about this blog not even Sam. _Well especially not Sam_, and that had the beginning of the secrets she'd kept.

January 3rd 2009, Carly didn't know why she was putting herself through this for the third time that night. Still starting from the top she reread the entry again.

"_Jan 3rd 09 _

_I, Carly Shay, am scared. I think I've hurt my best friend greatly and if I've lost her. OMG I can't imagine losing Sam. I've been crying for three hours and Spencer doesn't have a clue why. I keep telling him I am sick, but I don't think he's really that dumb. I think he knows something is wrong, because I am locked up here in my room with stress reducing tea, which I never drink because it's so bitter. Though it makes me sleepy so it's worth it now. On a night like this when my mind's all over the place._

Carly stopped reading and blushed suddenly realizing Spencer probably knew she wasn't sick. As she'd tasted the tea he'd left and found it to be bitter.

_I am not going to ever be able to get this out of mind. So I keep downing the tea hoping with enough I'll pass out and forget this strange feeling. So Sam, decided to get Freddy back for the trick he played on her by handcuffing her to Gibby. I was pretty angry with him on that. It's not that I don't care when she plays jokes on him, I do. I just really don't like him doing it to her. Strange right? _

_Well on iCarly the next day she goes and reveals he's never kissed anyone. I don't know how she found out this bit of information; I know I didn't tell her. She must have overheard me and Freddy talking. Get this after she left having told us her first kiss was with this boy in a port-a-potty. I nearly choked when she'd said that, so classic Sam. She's so hilarious, when she's so serious and her sarcasm is adorable. Woah...what did I just describe something Sam did as 'adorable'? Ok this evening is really getting to me no lie. _

_So here's the reason I am crying, even though thinking of Sam is making me smile, no wonder I am so confused. So tonight Freddie refuses to do iCarly with us because of Sam and what she did. He's been teased terribly all week. I felt so bad for him. I even considered kissing him in the hall to take the heat off him. That's how bad I felt. Sam must have realized she'd really gone too far because she goes and says I am sorry on iCarly then reveals she's been lying she's never kissed anyone. I stopped the take live just to tell her how proud of her I was. I said wow Sam you didn't have to do that, but she insisted that yes she did. _

_Sam told me she thought she'd better apologize to Freddy so she left to find him. I was so surprised she never ceases to amaze me. It wasn't long before we were all together finishing the web-show and it was our best to date. Then Freddy went home and Sam invited herself over for a sleep over. Some things never change._

_We are just getting sleepy when I say again "you really haven't kissed anyone?" I know I shouldn't have I know what is meant by curiosity killed the cat. I've always wondered about Sam, I mean we both like guys I think. I mean yeah we do right? It's just she wears this ring sometimes its a rainbow and it looks like an LGBT pride ring. So I've always been curious as to whether she might go both ways maybe. I don't know why I even cared but she's my best friend and I wanted to know. That's why I said "kissed anyone" instead of "kissed a boy?" _

_I am not sure if she picked up on that though she just smiled and shook her head. I grinned and I remember I shrugged. This part is going to be hard to write because I don't know how I feel. I know I am scared I lost Sam, but about what happened I am not sure. _

_Sam fluffed up her pillows and said "hey let's play some music." I laughed she's always so wired. I nodded and Sam picked from my Taylor Swift mix but must have put it on shuffle. Since one of my favorite songs came up "The Way I love You" and I know that's one of the last songs on the mix. _

_So Sam's dancing all over my room and I am following her and she grabs me, which she does often. So that didn't bother me, she's always been touchy with me. That's just Sam I thought. _

_Suddenly she stops as we hear "I miss screaming and fighting and kissing...in the rain." She looks at me then says something like "do you know why I've never kissed anyone?" _

_I know I shouldn't have asked but my curiosity got to me. So I asked her and this is her direct answer..._

"_Because I wanted my first kiss to be with you!"_

_I think my mouth fell open but before I could say a word she was kissing me. Her lips tasted like cherries and I think I kissed her back. I was completely surprised and she pulled back saying..._

"_Sorry but I ..." I began to cry and she was crying. She just turned and ran and I didn't stop her. So that's why I am sitting up here blogging for the first time drinking this disgusting tea. Now what..."_

Minimizing the blog screen, Carly felt her pulse quickening. She couldn't believe she'd never realized she'd been so in love the entire time. Now Sam had kissed Freddie they were going to be together and she'd realized too late. Or was it, could she win Sam back?

* * *

><p>When Sam couldn't get Carly to answer either her's or Freddie's text or her calls. Worry overtook her and she'd had enough she'd have to go over there and make Carly see reason.<p>

_She'd go as soon as she got out of this hell hole of school. Unless..._she grinned mischievously to herself, and for the second time that night Ridgeway students escaped the building with because of a fire alarm. As Sam took off for a run to find Carly.


	2. Chapter 2: Fallen

**My darling CAM fans! I hope you haven't been waiting on pins and needles for chapter two! I had a short slip up with writers block again! A most terrible disease of the mind, I get bouts quite often in recent months. I am sorry, for the delay. I've been caught up with puppy and job hunting. She's a handful, she's now on medication for her anxiety! A big thank you to dpp350, bandgrad2008, KirbyPaint, Seshi Raidon, for you're reviews! Also to my VampireKitty20, who's account was hacked, sadly thank you for always correcting my work. To Nissy, for your encouragement. I believe this story will be a three-shot at the most a four shot. Hopefully soon I'll be writing a Luna/Hermione or Luna/Ginny before July 15h for all you Harry Potter fans =) As always I don't own iCarly because we all know there's only one shipper for iCarly CAM !**

**iSecret **

**Chapter 2: Fallen**

Carly woke again with a start, somehow she'd managed to nod off again. Pursing her lips, the brunette rubbed her already red eyes, looking over to the gummy bear clock, 3 am. Her screen saver was on, she felt her heart rate pick up tempo. To quickly Carly woke the PearBook-Pro up. She didn't want to see Sam's mocking smile.

From the other side of the room the splattering of rain on the windows was the only sound in the room. The music had long since stopped. There wasn't a sound from the rest of the apartment. Spencer must have passed out somewhere. A sad little smile lit her face.

Reaching for her tea, Carly found it cold, but still some part of her wanted to drink its ridged flavor just to feel something. With the screen saver gone, her eyes met the secret blog her last question "_now what..." _starring her down.

Her open document was also blinking off to the right

_I am in love with Sam. _The words simple but dangerous to her heart.

She wanted back up, delete them; push it all away again. Still there didn't seem to be much use in denying how sick she felt. Remembering what she'd seen. It could only mean one thing.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the object of Carly's frustration, Sam found Seattle, under the thrall of a nightly storm as she ran from the school at a dash. Not surprising weather for the city, but definitely not welcome to Sam as she headed for the bus stop. Sliding just down the street. Cold rain splashed her drenching her and soaking her shoes.<p>

_Oh great it did have to rain _she thought annoyed.

In her pocket her PearPhone began to ring, its usual text message tone. Frustrated, Sam cursed under her breath at the ridiculousness and stress of the night's past events.

_Why did I do that? Why did I kiss Freddy, shhhhhesssh what's wrong with me? _

Sam knew the answer, but to keep thinking about her unrequited love just hurt too much. Each second she thought her secret love, just broke her heart more. Of course that's why she'd kissed Freddy. Wasn't it better to be with someone then alone? To move on rather then cling to false hope?

Carly couldn't help but continue to mull over the evening's events. Punishing herself all over becoming mad at Sam. Ringing her hands and crying into her pillow. _If only she could have told Sam sooner. _

Undoubtedly, Carly acknowledged this three ring circus love tangle was definitely her fault. She'd realized, all too soon after Sam's admission her own feelings. She'd just been to afraid, to act.

_But afraid of what? Spencer he'd always loved Sam, he couldn't be that upset right? Dad? _

Though wasn't it too late? Certainly she could fight for Sam but it didn't seem right to hurt both her and Freddy. Obviously she'd somehow moved on with him. It didn't make it hurt any less, but she'd only herself to blame.

Looking back at the blog again another entry caught her attention. It was dated a few months later. It was a short one.

" _April 10th 09 _

_I am faced with an unpredicted disaster of hurricane propositions. Sam wants to hold a special iCarly for Day of Silence April 17th. This isn't something I am particularly ready to face an openly out Sam. She came barreling out of the closet right after, expressing how she felt. Oh yes, expressed clearly when she kissed me. Leaving me frightened and confused, a part of me wanting something that made me excited. I am so messed up and sick of thinking about this. With ease and wasting no time Sam divulged her attraction for girls, she didn't hush up about guys either. You'd have to say Sam is bi. She doesn't like labels, and she'll give you an evil look if you try to say so. Freddy knows and I think he thinks she's kinda hot for it. I know what he's picturing stupid boy. He doesn't know it's me Sam likes. She hasn't breathed one word. She acts as though nothing has changed. I know different, she doesn't touch me much anymore. She doesn't sleep over and she doesn't call me cupcake. It hurts in a way deep inside. Knowing that she isn't being honest with me. It's true what they say you don't miss something until it's just not there. Sam was my constant and now she is rocking the boat. If I say yes then what if everyone realizes that Sam likes me. I can't have that, I can't let her ruin herself. No, iCarly would be ruined. Or is it that I am protecting, me? I think I might kinda like Sam. No that can't be. I am just frazzled because of exams. "_

"How deep is denial" Carly muttered out loud " anyway."

" I don't know Carls," came an all too familiar voice. Carly's heart stopped and she turned in her seat shutting the laptop with a bang. Nearly toppling from the chair.

"I once heard the nile isn't just a river in Egypt."

" SAM, what the HELL" a frightened Carly yelped.

Her cheeks scarlet, as though she'd be caught redhanded, in the cookie jar. Her own embarrassment mirrored back in Sam's beautiful blue eyes.

Sam just leaned against the door, soaking wet and smiling bitterly.

* * *

><p>Freddy couldn't get Sam off his mind; even the second fire alarm of the night hadn't lessened his thoughts. He couldn't seem to push her cherry lipgloss taste from his thoughts. He couldn't stop his heart racing, Why had she done it? She hadn't even tried to pawn it off on her nonexistent sister this time. She'd simple looked back at him daring him to say something. He hadn't. How could he, when one word could have caused him to be slapped. Alone in his room he wondered if Carly was ok. Gibby had texted saying she'd taken ill. He also wondered where Sam had gone off to. He thought probably she'd show up at Carly's sooner or later. After the second prank the Principal had simply given up on the lock in. Sending everyone home, annoyed and claiming retribution.<p>

Freddy wasn't stupid. On the contrary he was expediently bright. He knew something was bothering Carly, and he secretly wondered if it was. The kiss between him and Sam. Perhaps, that was why she ran off, maybe she did like him after all? What other explanation could there be?

Feeling lost and nervous, Freddy wondered if that was true and if it wasn't. What he dared to do about it. Would he run back to Carly or try and be with the girl who'd awoken something.

* * *

><p>" Well aren't you going to invite me in?" her voice had an edge to it.<p>

Carly cringed and hesitated. " You're no vampire, invite yourself in."

Sam couldn't deny the edge to Carly's voice. She really was angry, _omg what if she really does like Freddy. _

The thought had been to terrible to think. So Sam had tried to deny it on the ride over, thought what other answer could there be.

" Are you ok?" Sam tried again.

" Fine!" Carly spluttered starring Sam down.

" Gibby said you're sick?"

" I was..."

" And now?"

" I don't know..." Carly trailed off

" Look Carls, your my best friend _even though I wish you'd see me as more-_so I just want..."

_Just friends..._Carly thought feeling the words slice through her heart. " What do you want Sam?"

" For everything to be ok...I know you saw."

" Saw what?"

" Don't make me say it" Sam wailed

" Saw what?" Carly pushed feeling tears welling in her eyes.

" The kiss"

" Kiss" Carly whispered tears threatening to fall.

A painful expression crossed Sam's face. As she thought, _all I want to do is hold her, but then I'll break I can't keep holding these feelings. I've got to move on. But with the guy Carly loves? _

"The Kiss between me and Freddy" Sam voice shattered the silence.

As Carly collapsed on the floor crying. Sam felt her legs turning to stone, she simply couldn't move.

" I am sorry if I hurt you" were the only words she could manage. " I know you like Freddy I knew I shouldn't but I like him Carly I really do. He makes me feel I don't know happy. _He isn't you but he'll have to do_. Turning slowly away, her heart breaking she ran for the safety across the hall.

As she ran Carly's crying faded _what have I done? _


End file.
